With the World Cup drama cranked up to 11, England are one of the few teams that have actually looked pretty decent so far. No heartbreak for fans of the Three Lions, well at least not yet anyway.
Two wins from two, already through to the knockouts and our captain’s so on fire he’s scoring back heels from the edge of the box.
Our old foes Germany have suffered a shock (and quite frankly embarrassing) exit. Thursday’s no-pressure match against Belgium gives us a chance to show what we can really do against quality opposition. And the squad are in intensive training with magical inflatable unicorns.
What could possibly go wrong?
Well, if the last 26 tournaments are anything to go by, it’s going to be hard for any England fan to shake that nagging doubt that we’ll somehow manage to tie our own bootlaces together and trip ourselves up. Whether it’s a silly red card, a weak penalty, a freak cross/shot that sails over the keeper’s head, or the entire team failing to deal with a long throw in from a Viking postman… we always find a way to flop. And that’s why, deep down in the dingy parts of every England fan’s soul, we all know this World Cup will end in tears.
But before you sack off the beautiful game altogether and go live in a cave with a tribe of Tibetan monks, there’s some good news. Not that England will turn it all around (don’t be daft). But that there’s a cure for your impending World Cup heartbreak,
FFS England (For Fans Sobbing – England) is a helpline for long-suffering England fans. And they’re offering the chance to find your 2nd Team with a DNA test.
The test tells you where your ancestors came from. Which means you can find out if there’s another country you could support.
So next time Southgate’s men slip on their own soggy banana skin – and leave you feeling like a part of you has crawled into a corner to take its final breath – you can pull on a Spanish/Portuguese/Brazilian/Mexican/Japanese shirt. And belt out the national anthem. Because even though England have flopped out, your 2nd Team could keep you in.
Disclaimer: If you’ve been affected by any of the scenes from this World Cup or previous tournaments, talk to FFS England on Twitter and Instagram @ForFansSobbing or at ffsengland.org.uk